My Soul Cries Out Read online

  Great. The dreaded third-breast syndrome.

  I shifted from side to side. “Can’t I start tomorrow? I promise I’ll walk a whole hour.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t feel comfortable here.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because everybody here is perfectly in shape and I’m a fat slob.”

  “You’re not a fat slob. And nobody is looking at you.” She rubbed my arm. “You gotta start somewhere, Monnie. Don’t worry about what anybody thinks. This is all about you. Come on, there’s a walking track upstairs. You can do your cardio there.”

  She led me upstairs to a soft-surfaced track that circled the entire gym. I could look down on the people exercising.

  “I’m gonna let you walk at your own pace to warm up some, then I’ll come back and get you and we’ll do some weight training.”

  I nodded. I stretched and started walking. I pumped my arms and walked with long strides. I distracted myself by watching the people on the weights. When I came around the curve, Alaysia was waiting for me.

  “Ready?”

  “What took you so long? How long have I been going?”

  “About fifteen minutes.”

  “That all?” It felt like thirty. This was going to be a slow road getting back in shape.

  “Push. Come on, three more.”

  I wanted to slam Alaysia in the face with the free weight I was lifting. Lucky for her, my arm was too tired to get it anywhere near her head.

  “Okay, Monnie, we finished chest, back, triceps, and biceps. We need to do a few shoulder exercises and you’ll be done for this session. We can do abs later tonight.”

  “Later tonight? You better get out of me whatever you want now, ’cause this is it for today.”

  She laughed. Good thing one of us was enjoying this. “A’ight. We’ll call it a day and pick up tomorrow with lower body. How do you feel?”

  “Not too bad, actually. I thought I’d be sore, but I’m not.”

  “Wait ’til tomorrow.”

  We brought our clothes so we could shower and go to the mall afterward. If I was going to have to be in the gym all the time, I at least wanted some decent workout clothes.

  When we walked into the women’s locker room, I stopped in my tracks. There were no private stalls. Everybody changed out in the open. Naked, skinny bodies everywhere. No way was I going to undress in front of a bunch of skinny girls.

  I tapped Alaysia. “I’m too tired to go to the mall. Why don’t we go on home and we can shop before my workout tomorrow?”

  “Okay, but I still need to run to the health food store and I don’t want to do it funky.”

  She proceeded to take off her exercise top. I just stood there.

  “What? Come on. Go ’head and shower and then I can make a quick run so we can take you home to get some rest. Maybe I made you do too much for a first day.”

  “Laysia, there is no way I’m showing my big butt in front of all these skinny girls.”

  “Monnie, what is wrong with you? Nobody is looking at you.”

  “Fine.” There was no way I’d be able to explain it to her. She was a skinny girl.

  Unfortunately, the towel I brought didn’t fit all the way around me. The big, open space in the front where the edges of the towel didn’t meet had my fat rolls hanging out. I walked to the shower as fast as I could and hid in a stall. I choked down a scream when the freezing cold water hit me. Common sense said stand outside until the water warmed up, but I wasn’t about to stand there with people walking by looking at my rolls.

  After I showered, I went back to the dressing area and stood staring at my underwear, trying to figure out how to get them on without dropping the towel. The towel wouldn’t stay on by itself, so I had to hold it with one hand and try to get my panties on with the other.

  I ended up hopping around the dressing room, trying to get my other leg in the underwear without dropping my towel. The bra was even harder. Should I fasten it and then put it on like a shirt? Alaysia came from the shower just in time to see me slipping the bra over my head.

  “Monica, what are you doing?”

  “Putting on my bra.” I pretended I didn’t look like a complete idiot with my DD cup stuck on my ear.

  She shook her head.

  I decided to go ahead and put my pants on, then I could drop the towel and turn my back and put my bra on real quick. When Alaysia saw me hopping around on one foot, trying to get my other pants leg on, she stopped and stared at me.

  Alaysia said, “You’re gonna break your stupid neck. Give me that durn towel.”

  Before I could protest, she snatched it. I would’ve tried to get it back, but I was standing there with my huge titties flopping everywhere, and one of my thunder thighs and half my butt exposed. I pulled the pants on as fast as I could.

  “You make me sick, Laysia.”

  She laughed until she saw I was really upset. “I’m sorry.” She watched me pulling on my bra at breakneck speed. “This fat thing goes a lot deeper than I thought, huh?”

  “You have no clue.”

  I hurriedly put the rest of my clothes on and shoved my stuff in my bag. “I’ll meet you at the car.”

  After we went to the health food store, Alaysia dropped me off and said she had to run some errands. I decided to catch a quick nap.

  When I woke up later, a brand new gym bag sat at the foot of my bed. I opened it and found two larger sports bras, three huge beach towels, an extra-large terry-cloth robe and half a dozen long T-shirts with matching stretch pants.

  Guess I didn’t have an excuse not to go to the gym the next day.

  26

  When I woke up two mornings later, I started to sit up and swing my legs over the bed, but I couldn’t move. The muscles in my arms I would normally push myself up with felt like knives stuck through them. I had to throw my legs to propel my body to sit up. I stumbled into the bathroom and screamed aloud when I tried to squat on the toilet. We did Alaysia’s infamous leg workout the day before, and my thighs were on fire. I carefully lowered myself down to the toilet, but my butt muscles hurt so bad when I sat on them that I jumped back up again. I stood over the toilet for a while, wishing I was a man so I could pee standing up. I finally let out a little scream, braced myself, and sat on the toilet. I had to hold on to the bathtub to stand back up.

  I decided to get a hot shower to ease the soreness. When I lifted my nightshirt halfway over my head, I couldn’t get my arms any higher without excruciating pain in my back, chest, and arms. The shirt was stuck at my shoulders. How was I supposed to get it off?

  The way I felt reminded me of my anatomy class. I could probably name every muscle in my body right now.

  I was going to kill Alaysia. As soon as I could get the shirt off, get a shower and put my clothes on. Anticipating the amount of movement it would take to accomplish these small feats sent me back to bed.

  After an hour, I heard a tap on the door. “Hey, we got yoga this morning.”

  “I can’t move,” I moaned.

  “Stop making excuses and come on.”

  “No, I really mean it. I can’t move.”

  She stuck her head in the door. “Monnie, my yoga class starts in twenty minutes. Stop fooling around.”

  “Alaysia, I know you probably can’t hear it, but every muscle in my body is screaming cuss words at you. I have never been in so much pain in my life.”

  She walked over to the bed, frowning like she was considering the fact that I might be serious. “Sore, huh?” She pinched my arm.

  “Oouuuch!” I screeched. “Are you crazy?”

  “Get up. You can do some gentle stretches and some light cardio.”

  “Or I could stay in bed and recover from your torture.”

  “Uh-uh. If you stay in bed, you’ll be worse tomorrow. The only way to feel better is to keep moving.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Trust me.”

  “Trust you? Now is not a good time
to expect me to trust you.”

  She looked at her watch. “Five minutes or I’ll be late for my class.”

  I wished I had the strength to throw my alarm clock at her.

  I had to admit she was right. After yoga and a little time on the treadmill, my muscles warmed up a bit. After I finished, I got in the sauna, then the whirlpool and felt a whole lot better.

  When we left the gym, we dropped by Se-vanandah’s health food store and got some food from their hot bar, and then went to Blockbusters. As we searched the stacks of movies, I realized how long it had been since I’d been to a movie theatre. I hadn’t seen any of the new releases. Thinking about it, I realized it had been a long time since I’d done anything fun. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed. We picked out a few movies then walked back to the car.

  Alaysia caught me staring into space. “What?”

  I smiled at her. “Nothing. I’m just glad to be here.” What I should have said was, “Thanks for coming to rescue me and bringing me to a place where I could think about having a good time again.” I gave her a big hug, right in the middle of the sidewalk.

  She raised an eyebrow. “Girl, you gotta watch those outward displays of affection in Atlanta. You thought D.C. was gay city.”

  “Really?”

  “Girl, second only to San Francisco.”

  “Great. That means after the two-year Kevin wash-out period, I need to move someplace else before I start looking for a new man.”

  Alaysia laughed. “Naw, just choose well, that’s all. Choose well.”

  “Been there, tried that. Didn’t do such a good job.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll pick you out a man.” We got in the car and Alaysia drove the short distance back to the condo then parked the car in her designated spot. We decided to have lunch out on the patio to let the summer heat work the rest of the soreness out of my muscles.

  “What about you, Alaysia? When you gon’ pick you out a man? How long is this vow of celibacy gonna last?”

  “Girl, I’ve had enough sex to last me and you a lifetime.”

  “I’m not talking about sex. What about true love? A real relationship?”

  Alaysia looked sad all of a sudden. “I don’t believe lightning strikes twice in the same place.”

  “What?”

  “I believe we only get one soul mate. I messed that up, and I don’t believe there’s anyone I could love the way I loved Khalil or who could be perfect for me the way he was.”

  “Alaysia, there are plenty of people who get remarried or have serious relationships after a big break-up.”

  “Yeah, but what if they’re not as happy with the second person? No one would ever admit that. They’d just be silently miserable for the rest of their life. Or maybe the first person wasn’t their true soul mate and they got it right the second time around. I know I had the best I could get in Khalil. I’d hate to get in another relationship and be comparing him to my true love.”

  “You don’t ever want kids?”

  Alaysia shook her head. “I don’t deserve them. I messed that up, too.”

  “Now who’s gonna grow old with fifty cats?” I laughed.

  She didn’t.

  “That was supposed to be a joke.”

  “Not funny.”

  Her eyes told me she was tormented at the thought of never getting married. Never having children. That’s all she used to talk about. Her wonderful husband and house full of children.

  “Never say never. You don’t know what God might do.”

  Alaysia shook her head and wiped away a tear.

  I put my arm around her shoulders. “Well, then we’ll be two old maids together. And instead of fifty cats, we’ll adopt children. We’ll get foster kids, drug babies, and HIV babies and all those babies nobody else wants. We’ll be the little old ladies who lived in a shoe.”

  Alaysia smiled and wiped her face. “Yeah, we’ll be mommies to all those little girls without mommies.” She nodded and smiled. “Yeah.”

  We relaxed and sunbathed for a while, letting our food digest. I thought about what Alaysia said about only having one soul mate. Was that true? If so, could I ever expect to find someone who was more of a soul mate to me than Kevin?

  I had always marveled at how perfect we were for each other. I couldn’t imagine anyone else being able to be so in my head—in my soul. We connected on a level that seemed surreal. What if I tried to start another relationship and the connection wasn’t as deep? What if he didn’t listen like Kevin did, or share himself like Kevin did?

  My thoughts were swirling again. “We better get this movie marathon started or we’ll be up all night.”

  “A’ight, what do you want to watch first?”

  “The comedy. Definitely the comedy.”

  We made ourselves comfortable in the living room and Alaysia cued up the first DVD. Nutty Professor II was hilarious. Me not having laughed in so long made it even funnier. Alaysia kept pausing and rewinding because I had laughing fits and missed the dialogue. She shook her head and called me a goofball, but I think she understood I needed to laugh.

  We should’ve stopped after the first movie because Antwone Fisher depressed the heck out of me. The last thing I needed was to watch a movie about an abused little black boy. Halfway through, I got up to grab a snack. I found a box of chocolate chip fruit-sweetened cookies in the pantry. I was starting to like Alaysia’s healthy foods.

  I plopped down on the sofa and tried to get back into the movie.

  After the scene where the skank ho molests Antwone, I turned to see Alaysia staring at me.

  “Why do you do that?’

  “What?”

  “You just ate half a box of those cookies.”

  I looked down at the box. I didn’t realize I had eaten so many.

  “You can’t possibly be tasting them, but you keep eating more and more. Why?”

  I shifted in my seat. “I don’t know.”

  “Think about it. Try to figure it out.”

  I sat for a second, then shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just a bad habit.”

  “What were you thinking when you went to get the box out of the pantry? Were you hungry?”

  “No. I . . . I don’t know. Why are you badgering me?”

  “I’m not badgering you. I think if you figure it out, you’ll be able to stop.” She paused the movie. “Talk to me.”

  I put the cookies on the coffee table. “I guess the movie was making me sad, so I wanted some chocolate.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. It makes me feel better. It tastes good.” It sounded stupid to me, so I knew she wasn’t getting it.

  “But how can it make you feel better when you get mad at yourself the next day and then even madder at yourself when you get on the scale or try on your clothes?”

  “Because I’m not thinking about the next day. I’m just enjoying the chocolate.”

  She raised an eyebrow.

  “I can’t explain it. I eat whenever I get emotional. Mad, sad, anxious, fearful, worried. I eat.”

  “Let’s say you find something else to do when you get emotional.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Pick something. Something that makes you feel as good as or better than chocolate.”

  As good as chocolate? What could make me feel as good as chocolate?

  The few times Kevin relaxed and we got the sex thing right, I remember thinking it was better than chocolate. That obviously wasn’t an option.

  Spending time with God was the only other thing that made me feel better than chocolate. Getting into a deep place in worship when I lost all sense of place and time? Feeling His Spirit around me so strong I felt like I could reach out and touch it? Yeah. That was definitely better than chocolate.

  When was the last time I had actually been in the secret place, though? I hadn’t been to church in forever, and I hadn’t spent any personal time with God other than to try to read my Bible every once in
a while or quote some perfunctory prayer. How did that happen? How did I allow my breakup with Kevin and fallout with Bishop Walker to affect my personal relationship with God? Just because I walked away from Love and Faith Christian Center didn’t mean I needed to walk away from God.

  “Monica? Where’d you go?”

  I shook myself. “Trying to think of something that makes me feel better than chocolate. I would have to say my quiet time with God.” I braced myself for her sarcastic reply.

  Instead, she nodded. “Yeah. I know what you mean. When I meditate and shut out the world and everything around me and connect with spirit, it makes me feel good.”

  I was glad she was feeling me on the whole connecting with God thing, but was a bit disturbed by her calling Him “spirit.” That ranked right up there with “higher power”. I decided to keep it to myself. I’d keep praying God would divinely intervene and show her the way to Him. The real Him.

  “I need to get back to my place in God. Maybe if I reach for Him more, I won’t be reaching for the chocolate so much.”

  “Sounds like a plan. If you want, you can use my meditation room.”

  Alaysia had a little room off her master suite filled with candles and crystals and all sorts of figurines. No way I was going to pray in there. No telling what kind of spirits lingered.

  “You haven’t bothered to find a church here. Atlanta has more churches than any place I’ve been. You should try one out.”

  “Alaysia telling me to go to church? You used to tell me I went to church too much.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t understand the importance of spirituality then. And it seemed to work for you before, so you need to get back into it. Especially if it’ll keep you away from chocolate.”

  I threw a pillow at her. “Forget you.” I thought for a second. “Hey, why don’t you come with me? We can find one we like together.”

  “Naw. I’m cool with my meditation and seeking. I ain’t into the whole organized religion thing. I don’t think God is in a church or in a Bible or any one book. I believe in more of a universal religion.” Alaysia stretched out on the couch and stared into space. “Everything that exists is God, and God is everything that exists. We’re all gods. Instead of needing a church, I just look for God in me, and in you, and in everything beautiful I see. In fact, I believe that as more enlightenment comes into the universe, people will see that there’s no one true path to reach God. All paths eventually lead to Him. Even saying ‘Him’ sounds funny. I believe God is the life force, the energy, the divine in all of us.”